All around London, the city’s most lecherous Lotharios and scarlet harlots are having their cake and eating it. But only the skilled, most get caught: a catalogue of schoolboy errors usually to blame. Supper in the Dean Street Townhouse, not-so-covert snogging in Embargos – all a big no-no. As our flirtatious Soho friend candidly puts it, people are Tindering ‘left right and centre’.
FIXR set off to find out the tricks of the trade.
Everybody knows everybody in London, at least, it sometimes feels like that. Social networks are as extensive and closely linked as its Tube lines. And Instagram means there’s no denying your misdemeanours. Avoiding chance meetings with friends (or friends of friends, or friends of friends of friends…) is near-on impossible. Short of slinking around behind pot plants in a mac, it would seems there is nothing the unfaithful Londoner can do to evade capture. You’d be forgiven for thinking an affair is doomed to remain in the imagination, or at least in second-rate B&Bs in Croydon.
But think again, it can be done.
Anywhere ‘in’ is deeply dangerous and so a cursory glance at Facebook invites and Time Out suggestions will give you a clue of where to steer well clear of. Also, anywhere billed as ‘romantic’ (let’s not be too obvious), anywhere you would consider yourself a regular, and anywhere the paparazzi haunts. The Box or Chiltern Firehouse? Forget about it. Unless you fancy getting caught red-handed by the world and his wife (or yours), you need to get original. Bid a temporary goodbye to public transport and chic Soho bars and branch out in the name of love (read lust).
Hotel restaurants are a favourite amongst well-versed Casanovas. Apart from the obvious bonus of nearby rooms, many of them are real hidden gems that are overlooked by the casual London diner. Take Bistro One Ninety at The Gore, in Kensington. One friend of FIXR (who shall remain nameless or that will be the end of her two year relationship – naughty) swears by its spacious and elegantly minimalist setting. Never too full, it’s a calming antidote for all the frenzied hiding of extra-matrimonial activities. Or head to The Colony Grill in Mayfair’s The Beaumont; its art deco décor wouldn’t be amiss on a James Bond set.
In a hotel restaurant, the bedroom above hangs over the mood of the table, creating a subtle suspense that can give an adulterous night even more of a spark. Yet the location leaves no question of where the night could climax. No need for spontaneity, we all know what’s going to happen next.
Another friend of FIXR, you know who you are, felt that her relationship was edging towards the inevitable supper ‘n’ screw formula. After a brief moment of despair, she went looking for more excitement. She headed away from the well-trodden path of hotel sex, towards stand-alone restaurants. And although the King’s Road may seem a foolhardy choice for those seeking discretion, the bunk beds in the At the Jam create an atmosphere intimate enough for lovers. It allows seclusion despite the comings and goings of the Chelsea masses below.
And it turns out nightclubs aren’t such bad places for clandestine clinches after all. They’re dark, you can lose yourself easily in the crowd and loud enough that you can always just mumble an excuse and play dumb. Check out Mode in Ladbroke Grove. Just keep the snogging to one of the secluded booths on the top floor. And always have an escape route. And if you’re really on your game, jump on a train to Brighton and take your date to the aptly named Shooshh. If things go well you can sneak into one of the many hotels on the seafront.
If the excuses are wearing thin, and the numbers of evenings you had to ‘stay late at work’ is becoming silly, there is always the option of an afternoon rendezvous, during which most prying eyes will be shut up in the office. Afternoon tea may seem staid, but don’t be fooled. There’s nothing like being terribly prim and proper to induce bodice-ripping passion.
For the ultra-paranoid, Dans Le Noir, is the place to go. Punters munch away under a blanket of total darkness. You may not be able to see your gorgeous date, but footsy could be just the start of it. The possibilities are endless. Not that FIXR thinks any of this is a good idea. We wouldn’t dream of it….VIEW POST